Dieting Jokes to make you smile

Smiling burns calories. So does laughter.

Some jokes to help you burn those calories.

How many slimmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - calories eaten in the dark don't count.

Calorie Rules
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet drink with a choccie bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet drink

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

Streess diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with stress.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening Snack:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

The Toddler Diet

DAY ONE

Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch:
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack:
Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO

Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch:
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE

Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch:
Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
FINAL DAY

Breakfast:
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch:
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

"Lose 20lbs in 1 week GUARANTEED!"
So i gave them a call and decided to take the plunge.
On Monday morning a young lady knocked at my door with no clothes on except a pair of Reebok trainers and a sign saying "If you catch me you can have me!".
I chased her for 1 mile every day to ensure I stuck to the diet properly, and sure enough when i stood on the scales i had lost 20lbs.
I was impressed by the companies work ethic so i decided to sign up to their middle program which guaranteed me 50lbs weight loss.
Once again Monday morning a knock at the door by a beautiful girl with nothing on except a pair of Nike trainers and a sign saying "If you catch me you can have me!".
I chased her for 5 miles every day. At the end of the week fantastic id lost 50lbs.

I signed up with the SUPER programme Lose 100lbs.
Monday morning came i was already ready by the time the door knocked. In my trainers and running gear.

I opened the door to my horror to see a dirty great bicker with tattoos all over his arms and i sign around his neck:
" If i catch you, your sweaty arse is mine!"